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But in fact, experts don’t know where hemorrhoids come from. I found hemorrhoids.♦◊♦♦◊♦Hemorrhoids are inflamed bits of vein that fill with blood, bleed, and are very painful and sensitive. He brings out the finger and, instead, uses an instrument called an anal scope. Let’s just say it is as horrible as you can imagine.

I ask him, giggling, if he’s at least going to take me to dinner first. And the person I am today is a person with hemorrhoids. So I make some jokes, and the doctor puts his finger in me, and I stop making jokes. I realize that I haven’t gone to the bathroom yet that day, and begin to worry that he may effectively be destroying a dam.

London Honey77 seemed like as good a profile name as any, given that I can rarely be bothered to travel outside of the M25 for a date (not even for bags of gold) and I’d imagine it was ‘honey’ (ahem) most men were looking for.

Remember the cliché of the man in the middle of a mid-life crisis – trading the Honda in for a Porsche and the wife for a younger model?

I was standing on a dirt path in a Russian country village, holding my boyfriend Anton’s torn, bloodstained T-shirt.

All that could be heard in the darkness was my friends and I shouting his name, and the thuds and grunts of Anton wrestling with another guy.

It was what I had dreamt of all those years when I read of dueling pistols and men of great action and few words. ”Suddenly, I wished my women’s studies professor from Sarah Lawrence were there.

After the punching finally stopped, Anton walked up to me shirtless and sweaty, caked with blood and dirt, his arms outstretched in an unmistakable gesture of victory. Pistols at dawn seemed a ludicrous symbol of male egotism, and I longed for men in tailored suits, who solved arguments with Woody Allen jokes and New Yorker references.

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  1. A short time later, Stassi Schroeder confirmed her split from Patrick Meagher on her podcast series, . She also said that the decision would ultimately be up to Robert Parks-Valletta and noted that he would not have a full-time role.